Hold your horseys hungry parents…because I want to hop on! Lets not get too hasty now, I want to give you guys the low down and ground rules of the City of Angels before you run a muck in an unknown wild west city. My buddies and I would rather not be stuck either in a car seat for 3 hours for a restaurant that was just too loud for my ears to begin with. Now that you’ve taught me how to clap my hands, say “dada”, shake my booty to Taylor Swift and feed myself I want to teach you all a lesson in parent’s eating out etiquette. These are @LAFoodBaby‘s Top 7 Eating in LA Cautions:
#7 Restaurant Size
#7 Restaurant Size – My dad tells me regularly,”Son, you’re here because size matters.” I’m not sure what that means but I do know that because Los Angeles was founded in 1781, space is a commodity. Small restaurants are like jail for kids. I can’t sit still for the life of me and servers hate it when I’m dancing to Katy Perry in the middle of where they’re serving food. So please, if the numbers of tables are less than what I can count on my fingers and toes, can we not go there?
#6 Ambiance – Noise Level/Music/Crowds/Smoking
#6 Ambiance – Noise Level/Music/Crowds/Smoking – Look, I like to blast my nursery rhymes just as much as the next baby does, but there’s a limit. If the entire place is yelling at each other about how the Raiders are losing (as they should), then it’s probably too loud for me. How can you tell ahead of time? Call the restaurant for a reservation, if you can’t hear the hostess over the phone…it’s too loud.
#5 Upscale & Trendy
#5 Upscale & Trendy – You hear that? Exactly…nothing. If it’s so upscale that you can hear the couple next to you proposing to each other, it’s probably too quiet and the entire restaurant will here me cry for the duration of the dinner. Also, if I can’t wear my famous tupperware hat, the restaurant is too fancy.
#4 Table Matters & Manners
#4 Table Matters & Manners – Ooooh, pretty bright flashing flames and glowing coal…can I touch? I NEED to touch it or I’ll scream my head off! LA, you’re so cool, you need to be on the cutting edge of the cooking experience. You’ll find hot electric stoves, coal burning stoves, open flames, hot clay pots, fragile glassware, sharp knives, pretty much everything just short of a dangerous dog on the table to bite my hand off. If you don’t want me playing with them, don’t take me.
#3 Celebrity Sightings
#3 Celebrity Sightings – When in Rome, do what the Romans do, hence when in LA, leave the celebrities alone. They’re like deer in the wild, they are to be seen from afar and not bothered. In my case, the celebrities won’t leave me alone.
#2 Long Lines & Reservations
#2 Long Lines & Reservations – There are two places that I hate most–airports and long lines. My goal in my baby life is to touch every surface possible while curiously exploring to see what everyone around me is up to. “What’s everyone talking about?!” Long lines are my favorite place for this. If I’m already angry in line, I’ll definitely be angry during dinner. Want to avoid lines? Call the restaurant ahead to see how many patrons are in line for me to bother.
#1 Location! Location! Location!
#1 Location! Location! Location! – LaLa Land is the second largest metropolitan area in the US. That means there’s a lot of people here, which leads to a lot of cars, which concludes in a lot of time sitting on the freeway (don’t text please). Just because your two dots on Google Maps looks close, doesn’t mean it will be fast. Don’t think you can drive from Downtown to Santa Monica on Friday morning to get brunch just like that, it’ll cost you a cool 1.5 hours, in which time I’ll be screaming my head off. Enjoy that.