These political campaigns have my head spinning, man — both right here in the US and back in the motherland. Now, I know exactly what you’re thinking. What in the world does a 4-year-old know about politics? And the answer is quite simple…not much.
What I do know, however, is that it’s the centerpiece topic of conversation at every one of our dinners — Trump is a racist. Hillary’s a liar. Bernie is a hypocrite. Cruz is the devil.
And the vitriol travels the expanse of the Pacific Ocean too — Roxas is a playboy. Poe is an alleged vote-buyer. Duterte is the Philippine Trump. Sheesh! Can a Foo watch some Peppa Pig on his iPad in peace?! Good gosh almighty!
But this is a food blog. And all this talk about shady politicians and their arsenal of empty rhetoric made me realize that if they were food, there’s no question what food they would be…
Just like vegetables, they claim to be good for you. But at the same time, they’re bitter and often unpalatable, triggering your gag reflex without remorse. In toddler speak, they’re yucky.
I do understand that although the vast majority of politicians truly do make you want to throw up, calling them all vegetables is still a generalization. They are individuals in their own right, possessing different opinions, campaign tactics, and personalities. So I thought it might be fun to come up with each of the major players’ “spirit dishes”.
You ready? Here we go…
Donald Trump (racist) — Any type of Mexican food. How crazy is that? The country which serves as the catalyst for his xenophobic tendencies, ironically, produces the food he most closely identifies with. You either love it or you hate it. But whichever side of the fence you fall on…it’s guaranteed to give you a serious case of Montezuma’s revenge.
Ted Cruz (devil incarnate) — Green Eggs and Ham. It’s only fitting. He looks like a cartoon. Political satire to be exact. Oh, and remember that 21-hour filibuster where he managed to work in the Dr. Seuss classic while ripping the Affordable Care Act a new one? Yea, we all know how that ended. With a 16-day government shutdown. It’s a story about unrelenting stubbornness. And Lyin’ Ted is as stubborn as the democrat’s animal mascot. Not to mention he’s now ruined the appeal of my once favorite book.
Hillary Clinton (liar) — 1%, 2%, and skim milk. Listen people. Mother Nature did not intend for her gift of sustenance to be processed, losing essential proteins and calcium along the way, only to be replaced later by synthetic vitamins. Milk is not milk if it isn’t whole. If it isn’t whole milk, then it’s just water…lying about being milk.
Bernie Sanders (hypocrite) — Mcdonald’s Kale Salad. Sounds healthy, right? Wrong! It has 50 more calories, 15 more grams of fat, and 660 more milligrams of salt then a Double Big Mac! Yes. A DOUBLE Big Mac! Do yourselves a favor and practice due diligence before making a mistake you might soon regret.
Grace Poe (shady vote-buyer) — A diet soda (with a cheese laden Double Quarter Pounder and large fries). Really?! You’re going to order a diet soda with your 1,300 calorie meal? Come on now! Don’t kid yourself. If you’re going to cheat you might as well go balls to the wall.
Rodrigo Duterte (Filipino Trump) — Bicol express. See ‘Donald Trump’. The reason spicy foods spark frantic beelines to the porcelain throne is because they are loaded with capsaicin. And both The Donald and Duterte are guilty as sin for spewing an endless stream of verbal diarrhea.
Mar Roxas (playboy) — Oysters. The most celebrated aphrodisiac. Every time I’m stuck watching TFC (The Filipino Channel) with my folks this caramel-skinned casanova is locking lips with a different woman at one of his rallies. Does this man know no shame? Is he running for President or is this just his narcissistic, reality-based take on a very elaborate, very expensive, very public display of finding love on Tinder?
So there you have it. Each candidate’s spirit dish. And by the time this article is published, as the Iron Chef Chairman, Marc Dacascos, would say, one Filipino dish “…will reign supreme.” Let’s hope our great nation can stomach the outcome.